


Scattered (three ways to make a heart ache)

by Leoporidae_Lagomorpha



Series: Don't Go Where I Can't Follow [2]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Assumed Aromantic Character, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, POV Second Person, Pre-Time Skip, Zoro POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2015-01-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 15:01:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2816399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leoporidae_Lagomorpha/pseuds/Leoporidae_Lagomorpha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The swordsman's love is a wayward one. You lose, you gain and you lose again.</p>
<p>(Sabaody tore you down, Kuraigana trapped you in and Marineford broke him.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sabaody Archipelago

**Author's Note:**

> Thriller Bark was your ticking clock, Sabaody was a nuclear blast.

You are the world's second greatest swordsman and there's very little you truly fear, or so you say. That doesn't nearly ring true when the sight of Bartholomew Kuma's imposing figure terrifies you. You want to run, want to grab your crew and your captain and run. You want to make sure his paws never touch Luffy again. 

Last time... last time you barely survived and Luffy almost died. You can't afford to let that happen again, could barely pay the price the first time. You need to do something, but you're already short of breath, you're not ready yet, it's too soon and you're too weak. Your crippled body has hardly healed. 

"So you survived Roronoa?" He queries, a condescending picture of quiet curiosity.

He looks like death towering above you, hidden eyes and a bible between gloved hands. He looks like the apocalypse, like the closest thing to a hellbringer the Grand Line's ever seen. You loathe him, yet you respect his power and you have never believed in divine judgement, but Kuma carries out his orders like a chain of the same name. Hearing his name is like being flayed alive. He looks like your nightmares, like loss, like gutting pain, like a world without the pirate king. 

"Thanks to your mercy..." You manage to say in a tone so caustic most of the genuine sentiment is bitten away. So that's how you thank the man _-is he a man or a calamity?-_ who changed your view of reality. You find it slightly ironic, that a machine in human guise taught you so much about the subtleties of your own emotions, but then again it could just be the adrenaline and hysteria. 

\----

Thriller Bark took a lot but it gave back as well, it gave you a crew mate, _Shusui_ and the answer as to what made you lay your life at enormous Warlord's feet. Why you didn't hesitate when you traded life for what could of, and should've been your death.

You're in love. 

It's sounds crazy and it is, it's utterly insane. It makes you want to grind your teeth and train till your muscles ache and you're drenched in sweat. Another feeling that makes you wish you could turn off your brain and just exhaust away the complications

Luffy is the sun, ablaze in shades of gold and morning flames, dazzling anyone foolish enough to gaze into dark eyes for longer than a second.Trapping people gleefully, with his laugh and his unrivalled belief in himself and the life he leads. You got too close, looked too long and before you knew it you were wholly enamoured. He lives for your dreams, you live for his. You wouldn't want it any other way. 

You're selfless and greedy, independent but needy. You'd never take him all to yourself, never monopolize the love he gives so freely, but you'd give everything to him, you'd let him have you. You let yourself be consumed by his never ending appetite. He swallowed you whole. You want him to have you, want to be by his side, because that's where you belong. By the Pirate Kings' side. 

Luffy is simple, so are you. 

You chase him and he chases you and somedays you can't even tell who's chasing who, you're just running full tilt towards your dreams. You wonder if he'd let you kiss him. You could kiss him for a lifetime, but even then you doubt it would ever be enough. Sometimes, you want it so badly it keeps you up at night. You want to reach out and breathe in the scent on his skin and his sweat. You want to worship him the way they worship royalty, wanna get on your knees and kiss his feet. You want him to order you to kiss him, want to be told, you want to follow wherever he'll lead. You'd go where he'd go and you might get lost but you'll always find your way back to him.

You want _it_ , you desire it and despise your own wanting

You want to nail yourself to the floor to stop yourself from drowning in him. It hurts even more than you expected it would. Nothing in your life, save Thriller Bark, ever prepared you for the total agony of love. You suppose that you should be thankful that he loves you. That he loves and trusts you the way he does with each of his _nakama_. You should be glad that he smiles, and happy that he wants you by his side. Luffy loves, he loves more than anybody you've ever met, but loving and being in love are different things. He will always love you, but you doubt he will ever truly be in love with you. You don't believe that he's really capable of romantic affection. You're not sure wether your heart broke or it was already broken, wether you're bitter or just jaded. It's not a particularly appealing subject to contemplate. 

_-You never do tell him, that you're in love. By the time you take your courage by two hands, he already knows. He just grins and tilts his head, beckons for you to come towards him. You'll kiss him inumerable times but that is the first time you kiss him, he kisses you back and you can't remember what it tasted like, or how beautiful he looked, just that it felt like every piece of your world was falling into place._

_But that kiss and that revelation are still miles away._

_You wish you'd done it now, but you didn't have time, you never really had time, you made it. You wish that you'd kissed him, but you probably would have come to regret it anyways.-_

\----

Usopp is babbling at you, something about talk. You can't hear a thing except the blood pounding in your ears. The way you always do an inch away from death and your life pouring away. That silence all around you. You watch in horror as he peels off his gloves. You want to warn them, want to tell them to escape. 

_It's already too late._

Kuma's sent you flying and Sabaody is but a memory of flickering green.


	2. Kuraigana Island

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kuraigana is where you lost track of the sun.

In a language more commonly found in the icier waters of North Blue, they have fifty-two different words for snow. You can only assume that the inhabitants of Kuragaina (if there truly are any) must have fifty-three seperate words for gloom. The whole island has this awfully desolate atmosphere and you're tempted to laugh with how well this reflects your current mood. The rolling mist and towering spires of jagged rocks, this is a place the hopeless must call home. You need to leave. You need to get off this barren excuse for land and back to _him_. 

\---

You didn't see his face, of course you didn't, but you felt his screams reverberate in you skull as Kuma's huge paws tossed you away like a ragdoll. You need to get back to Sabaody, to the Thousand Sunny, to your crew, to your _family_ and the love of your goddamn life. You don't have time to waste, don't have time to make, you're wrecked, wrought and frantically trying to piece together the 'why' and 'where' of your situation. As if your encounter with Warlord hadn't been reminiscent enough, a memory from Thriller Bark is the first thing you see: the ghost girl. As irritating as ever you see. You brush off her shrill cries as you tumble out of bed, struggling to find a way out and away from this strange place. She follows you. You wish she'd leave you be, you're a man on a mission, you have a single destination, you need to get home. 

East Blue was your cradle, where you first found steel and made your name wandering its shallows. You grew up there, but you never really lived there, it was always too small. You needed space to grow, he had plenty of room for you in his dreams, so you took your chances and never looked back. Nowadays, home is wherever he goes. Sandal clad feet, tan skin and a mess of black hair that always tickles your chin. That's where you need to be. 

\---

_The apes are a problem._

Your vision is blurry, the cut by your temple, the warm trickle of blood that taints your vision a cloudy red and makes it nearly impossible to focus. You weren't betting on having to defeat this many enemies in your wounded state, the unexpected obstacle bringing your slow crawl of progress to a complete standstill. 

\---

Your blessing comes in the form of an austere man in a long coat. The one you've set your sights to kill, that you've been chasing after to realize your dream, the world's greatest swordsman. He comes bearing your sentence, it's a curse.

\---

There was a war at Marineford, Ace was executed and Luffy is living hell.

You know what to do and not what to say, but your need to return to him is overwhelming. You have to get to him. It burns you raw and at that moment fire fist's smiling face comes back to you.

_"Take care of my brother."_

He can't be alone, shouldn't be, doesn't deserve to be, yet he still is even after he fought so fiercely to build his little family. You'd give everything to reassure him, the only only thing he wants and the only thing you can't give him is gone. You lost _her_ and now Luffy has lost him. Luffy who has never lost before, who needs your support more than ever, he's always been there to save your skin. Has always stopped you from giving too much away like back at Little Garden when you almost chopped off your own legs, scars you can still see. Luffy is your captain, but he's not much of a captain without a crew. You need to hold him back, hold him tightly and keep the hurt away. You've left him to fend for himself, weren't strong enough to stand by him, but you have to be strong enough to battle your way back.

\----

Apparently, Hawkeyes Mihawk is a man of second chances and redemptions because you're once again privy to his benevolence. He gives you a boat and a path out to sea and it's strange to pass up the prize you've been hunting since she died on that summer night, but you've got other things on the brain, you're not ready. The Humandrills, because that's what Hawkeyes called them, are still getting in your way. He tells you that this war torn ground is what made them bloodthirsty, that mimicking humanity is what turned beasts to savagery. They smash the raft you were going to use to escape this miserable island, another obstacle on the list that never ends. It doesn't matter, you can cling to the scraps and swim your way to wherever Luffy may be. He calls you an arrogant fool and he's not all wrong, you're certainly a fool. The biggest idiot of them all, a fool to love and I fool to fight, a joke through and through. Love's made a fool of you. He tells you to get back to the castle, tells you that you're too wounded-as if you didn't know-tells to stop this fruitless clash. 

"I don't take orders from you!!" There's a single man on this blue planet who's orders you'd follow. Who took one look at you and smiled, laid eyes on a demon strung up on a cross and grinned, bright eyed and eager. "I am going to sea!!" You shout it with the conviction of desperation. You face down bad odds like a man with a losing hand who doesn't know when to fold. So you steel your blades for bloodshed and fight man made monstrosities.

\---

"I'm begging you..." You really are, on your knees, forehead pressed to the floor. "Teach me the way of the sword!!" You curb your pride, make it bend with the force of your will. It's insanity to ask this of a man you mean to kill; but ever since the day he invited you to join in his crew you've had propensity for insanity. 

"I am dissapointed in you Roronoa Zoro...You mean to ask for teaching from your enemy...?" He questions, golden eyes showing shock and scorn.

You know what needs to be done. What Luffy needs from you now. 

"Know your shame." He says voice dripping in derision.

Shame? Now, that's laughable. You have no shame. No, as a swordsman's only shame is to bear a scar on his back. You gave up on such things when he grabbed your heart and ran away. 

"Leave this place. I no longer have any interest in you. It would seem that the expectations I held of you were too high..." You let his contemptuous words pile up, let him run his mouth, you need humility to ask a favor. 

"I want to become strong."

_Strong enough._

"Defeated by those baboons, unable even to escape to the sea and after all that, you still have the nerve to come crawling back here. I have nothing to teach the likes of you." 

_Huh_ , He's quite conceited himself.

"I defeated the baboons." 

The shock rippling off him in waves is practically palpable.

"Yours is the only head I have yet to take."

Hawkeyes seems to appreciate some flair. You let the statement hang in the air. Heavy and impending.

"But I am not fool enough to believe..." You're a fool but even you aren't stupid. "...That I have any hope of defeating you here and now!!"

"I do not understand... If you still consider me your enemy... Then why do you prostrate yourself before me and ask for my teachings...!!?" You can hear how taken aback he is. This logic he can't see. "What purpose does it serve?!!" He's obviously never spent much time around Luffy.

"So that I may surpass you!!" You tell him and it has always been your intention from the very beginning. It never changed, if anything it's even sharper within you.

He laughs. 

A great long mirthful laugh. His shoulders shake and his eyes crinkle.

"You ask me to raise the swordsman who will take my life by his very hands?! You're a strange one for sure!" He cuts himself off with a new burst of chuckles. You doubt for a moment that he will accept, wonder briefly if his laughter means your defeat. 

"Hmph... A ridiculous notion. Your actions are nonetheless quite unsightly. It would seem that you have found a greater cause than your own ambition." He's right. Of course he is, he seems to read you better than you're willing to admit. 

"We can begin your training only once your wounds are healed."

You trusted your instincts and it yielded results. It's more than a little satisfying. You can't keep the smile from your face. The first one since Sabaody, since you were spirited away. 

\---

Luffy is the sun. Kuraigana is the absence of it. Your time spent hidden in the mists on blood soaked soil is a period of absolute darkness. Alone, two years is long without sun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, this took way too long to write. I was quite sporadically inspired for this chapter. I'm thinking of starting a ZoLu AU fic... You guys tell me what you think about that. I've also been looking for a beta. Feel free to leave feedback!


	3. Marineford

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marineford is the explosion, what comes next the aftermath and you miss all of it. What's left is only remains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are the last chapter. I hope you all enjoy!

You wake to pain. You're not sure if it's your body or your aching heart. You're too tired for tears, too exhausted, you don't have the strength left to cry. You've been breaking for too long. You need time to rebuild yourself and the next two years are your golden opportunity. He's giving you this time, this is a chance to chase away what could be future heartache.

_Just because you can't find it in yourself to cry doesn't mean it hurts any less._

You're devoting these years to him, to Monkey D. Luffy, to the man who'll one day claim the crown of the Pirate King.

You wake to pain, but it's an ordinary feeling, something you grew accustomed to long ago. How many ribs have you broken up to date? You've got a long way to go before you can take the head of the world's greatest swordsman. So you'll grit your teeth through the sharp stings and cracking joints and train your way to the title of World's Greatest.

You wonder briefly in that instant before you open your eyes, if being in love isn't actually a product of insanity. And yes, you are in love with him, or at least you must be. If the tightness of your chest and the way you glance his way and he's the only thing you can see, the way he fills up your field of vision, that he's the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing before you fall asleep at night. If this is love then you want this to be your only one, if it hurts this much then you doubt you'd be able to survive it again. You gave yourself once and you don't have anything left to give.

He's ruined you, you love him anyways.

 

\----

What you manage to piece together gives you an idea of what happened _that_ day. The day you failed to protect him, that you couldn't shield him from the pain of loss. You know that his thoughts will be haunted with visions of his brother's face, the same way Kuina's triumphant stance and proud smile linger in the lines of your being.

Monkey D. Luffy is reckless, wild strength. His whirlwind appearance at Marineford wasn't anything like that usual brilliant wrecking force, no Marineford was something akin to self-destruction. This was not some battle any of you had fought before, this was a war. Kuraigana taught you that nothing bloodies lives more than the reality warping scars of war. The war of the best is where he lived up to the title of _Supernova_. The explosion that resulted on that day was nothing less than blinding, its aftershocks were felt all across the globe. You can't begin to imagine what he lived through the blazing flames and choking ash.

Luffy is the sun, the stars, the moon and the rain. He's the world to you, everything. He is a punch to the jaw, a goddamn wrecking ball. He goes around tearing down reality with his fists for fun. The only thing that makes you want to simultaneously tear yourself apart and stupidly drunkenly happy. He's your foolhardy captain and you can't count the number of times you've saved his skin, or the number of times he's saved yours. He'd risk himself with none of you to watch his back, it frustrates you.

He's so selflessly selfish, that captain of yours.

\----

You always thought that you could follow the path of the solitary swordsman to the top. The truth you'd rather not admit is that the Pirate Hunter Roronoa Zoro isn't the the lone wolf you once set out to be. You were misguided, or perhaps you were too arrogant to see it before, but more than anything your _nakama_ give you strength, your promise to him. Nami's wicked temper, Usopp's lies, Chopper's worry, Robin's cryptic mystery, Franky's loud laugh, Brook's bad puns and hell, even the Cook's kicks, are the things you find yourself missing more than anything.

It's all his fault really, for giving you these companions you can't live without.

\----

There's always an unbearably long moment before you open your eyes, a moment when the only thing you wish is to lift your weary eyelids and see your captain grinning down at you. The inevitable pang of loneliness when he isn't there is enough to make you want to fall asleep in the hopes of catching a glimpse of his smiling face in your dreams again.

He shaped you with ragged hands, plucked your starved and beaten body from that wooden post and threw you out to sea. You went from a demon in name to one in being, surpassed your past self in strength a thousand times over, you accomplished more in less than a year sailing under him than you did with ten years time.

_-And so much more in the years to come.-_

It's baffling to think you've been fighting alongside Luffy for anything less than a lifetime. You feel as though you've known him for eternity and there are grooves in your brain from playing through the memories you made with him. You've bowed your head to his ambition, bent in half to his will and you thought you'd made it far, but you've got much, much farther to go.

_-The distance between you then is nothing compared to what still separates you from your destiny. The path to your dreams is a long one and Raftel's red shores are not even a speck along the distant horizon at this point. No, the island that symbolizes the beginning of the end isn't even something you've dreamed of. Not yet, not now, not when all your slumbering thoughts are occupied by your captain's tan, salt licked face. They will haunt you some day, Raftel's warm, blood drenched sands, but not now, not when you're nineteen and all you can think about is being strong enough to protect him. He protects your dreams, you protect his life and in a sense he is the living embodiment of these aspirations you all hold dear. He is your reason to be, Monkey D. Luffy.-_

\----

Marineford is a thought that nags at the back of your mind. A nightmare that flared and died before reaching you at all. You train, sweat and spar, all whilst the sword of Marineford hangs over your head. Everything you want to know, that you're afraid to learn.

Whatever Mihawk knows he doesn't deign to share with you, his troublesome pupil. He prefers to dangle it dangerously before your face, all knowing smirks and amused golden eyes. Interactions with the Warlord always carry a certain obvious derision on the older man's part. You can't wait for the day you'll get to challenge him.

Perona always looks at you with an expression of conflict on her face as if she's torn between pity and exasperation. You can't stand it. She's crazy and meddlesome, with a shrill voice that makes your ears ring. You're grateful though, that despite her huffed complaints she still takes care of you. Thankful, even if she can't quite understands what this all means to you.

If she's noticed how you kept your captain's picture, she doesn't mention it, doesn't whisper a single word out of respect or ignorance you do not know, though you suspect the later most days. The first days, you'd slipped it into the band of your belly warmer, kept it over the bandages that covered your skin, that you soon learned were much too thin. Not soon enough to save the only image you own from running red with your own blood, you're tempted to get rid of it then.

_You don't._

No, instead you tuck it under your pillow, pull it out at night with trembling hands, drag your knuckles reverently over crumpled lines and hope he'll be okay.His body barely survived, but his spirit surely died in that flame raised frenzy.

It's faded and old, doesn't even begin to capture half the brilliance of who he is.

_-History books and wanted posters will never do him justice. They never catch the right light or the right thing, make him seem like a stranger with the same grin. They're images captured with a shutter and a click, that can't see him with human eyes. Only men can understand his dazzling brightness, only living souls, who saw and loved and dreamed by his side will ever truly catch a glimpse of the Pirate King. You'd have needed an artist's touch to capture the aura he exudes.-_

You keep that newspaper clipping like a promise, till it wears thin under the press of your lips. It's a smear of black ink on a piece of paper that's practically falling apart between your fingers, fragile in ways he's never been. It represents your strength, your reason to smile, to live up to the challenge of seeing your dreams to the end, there's something visceral about it, brash and bloody just like the real thing.

You keep it like a secret, like Thriller Bark, always in your head, like Marineford nowadays. It's a doubt you can't seem to shake no matter how much you train. It lingers unwelcome like a parasite sucking the life from your limbs. Mihawk doesn't miss a thing, hones in on your uncertainty and confronts it ruthlessly.

"Doubt will leave you dead, Roronoa Zoro." He says, head held high, as imperious as ever.

"I know." You growl around Wadou's hilt, deflecting another of the _Humandrills_ blows.

Doubt is a poison, it will eat into your resolve and topple the tower of your will. You know, but it's not an easy task to banish the thoughts that creep up from behind and lurk in the shadows of your mind.

"You were not strong enough yet, Roronoa and neither was the man you call your captain." He's right, of course, but the truth of it still stings.

"However," he continues," if he is anything like the man he wishes to meet, he will not falter before a trial like this."

You doge a blade aimed for your gut.

He knows a lot more than you think and the slight grin that plays on his lips speaks of a fondness you believe was possible from the severe swordsman. He's not wrong. You should know better than to underestimate Luffy.

You parry another vicious strike, swing _Kitetsu_ in a swift arc to retaliate and stumble slightly on uneven ground.

You carve every misstep into your memory. You'll learn what you need and have your _nakama_ once more, but until then you have to bear the hollowness of having your heart scattered nine ways across the Grand Line.

\----

Marineford may still be a mystery, but it's just another reality, another fact of history. You weren't able to prevent it, you couldn't save him. He'll probably fall again, but next time you'll be there to catch him, to grasp his hand and pull him up again. You'll find your way back to him. You gravitate towards him. There's an undeniable magnetism, a fatal attraction and when you both eventually collide the sparks it creates will set the sky on fire. The world will turn when they hear his name and this time it won't be called in tragedy, it will be your great victory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite taking nearly 3 weeks to post this, the actual writing was all done in a few days. I've been really inspired to write a lot of stuff and it hasn't been easy finding time to balance all the projects I want to work on. I hope you all enjoyed the final chapter of Scattered and there's definitely more to be written for these two. Thanks to everyone who's been following the progress of this story.

**Author's Note:**

> The next two chapters will be a bit longer than the first one and will take a little longer to write. I'm having fun writing this, though. Feel free to comment/review!


End file.
